Grow up and meet your needs

Understanding our needs in only a small part of the puzzle. The whole reason of doing all these different models on needs has been to get to this episode.

Helping you to integrate your vital needs that drive your behaviour into your daily life. Giving you a glimpse of why it is important to look after our needs.

But most importantly helping you understand how it is your duty to fulfil them. How by doing so you are guaranteeing your well being and your are setting an example to those around to do the same.

Join me in this episode to learn more about yourself.

Episode Notes

If there is one thing I want you to take out of this episode, it is that:

No one is here to fulfil your own needs apart from your own self. It is your duty to do that. That duty will pay dividends into how good you feel about yourself.

0:07 Number one rule
1:03 Intro
1:23 1 rule when it comes to needs
3:01 Your Human Needs in summary
5:25 Why it is important to meet your needs?
6:18 Why its your responsibility to look after your needs?
10:34 Become proactive and aware with your needs
14:20 Your ego lurking in the dark – and the law of reciprocation
16:18 How to feel fulfilled
18:58 Conclusion
25:23 Outro

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Transcript

This is the episode that I have been waiting to get to. All this time, we have been laying out foundations and different models about needs to help us get a deeper understanding about what are the kinds of needs, the kind of levers that are behind the behaviours that we do behind what motivates us to do the things that we do.

The reason I’m so passionate about need and fulfilling our own needs is because often in my life I have suffered because my needs either went unfulfilled or I actually placed the control somewhere else about getting my needs fulfilled.

And a lot of times it was done in a passive victim way of me trying to understand myself and trying to understand why am I suffering? What’s going on? What’s wrong with me?

What’s wrong with the world? What’s wrong with these people around me? But in essence, it was about understanding that I have needs that I need to cater for.

Welcome my friends to another episode from Inside Treasures. My name is Phoebus, and I love to challenge myself and those around me for the purpose of growth. This podcast is about helping you to heal, to change and to grow.

This particular episode is all about learning to fulfil your own needs like an adult. So the number one rule, the number one thing I want you to take out of this podcast is when it comes to needs.

We are here as adults to fulfil our own needs. We are not responsible for anybody else’s needs and nobody else is responsible for fulfilling our needs. We are here on this planet and one of our duties is to look after ourselves, to look after our needs and to cater for them.

The only exception around this rule is when it comes to kids. If you have kids or if you have people with special needs that actually need help and support through the different ages.

We have different needs as kids as parents, it is our duty to nurture and cater and look after those needs of our kids to understand them deeper because the same way we have those needs, our kids also have those needs.

But apart from that, it’s not a duty to just run around and cater for kids as they grow along. It’s a duty to teach them to be independent.

It’s a duty to be a role model of how we look after so they can learn to look after their own needs when they fly away from the nest. So being aware of that is super crucial. We’re not here to fulfil the needs of others and others are not here to fulfil our own needs.

When we have learned to nurture and look after our needs, it becomes a lot easier to cater for the needs of others. Keep that in mind up to now, we have talked about different models.

Some of them have been based on top of each other, some of them have borrowed different ideas model about needs.

In this episode. I want to put them all together and we will also use them into the next one. So just to summarize the whole needs concept, we have different needs.

We talked about the need of security so that’s one idea to be secure, the certainty, the safety, the trust, the belief, the control, having faith, feeling safe, whether within an environment or within us. The next one we talked about is about change as an idea. It’s the idea of change. It’s about variety, it’s about uncertainty, it’s about risk, it’s about danger.

It’s about a little bit of diversification. And what happens is that variation, that development of security and change. Then we have a sense of importance, whether we are significant, whether we create achievements, whether we are competent, whether we influence those around us, whether we’re relevant, whether we have value, we have a sense of status within the society, within where we are.

Are we important enough for ourselves to those around us, at least in the immediate connection part. Next, we have connection, love, belonging, having contact with other people, the sense of attention to give it to receive.

It the sense of intimacy, to network, the affection, to feel appreciated, to feel passion, to feel part of a community, to feel that we are part of something, that we are connected without something. And there’s love that flows between us and that is out there. Next, we have the sense of autonomy and control. We’ve talked about having a sense of control in our life, of certain things that we can control.

Next, we have the sense of Privacy to have some time and space to ourselves, for ourselves. And lastly, it’s a sense of fulfillment, that purpose, that growth, that contribution, having a meaning and purpose around what it is that we’re doing around our life, finding a meaning and understanding.

And as we move along life to feel that we are progressing, that we are fulfilling ourselves, especially in the previous episode, I mentioned what happens when we don’t meet our own needs. What we said is when we don’t meet our own needs, when we don’t cater for our own needs.

When we go on and neglect ourselves, mental health problems arise. We can have frustration, we can have anger, we can have anxiety, we can have depression. All those things can come to the surface because we feel overall a sense of threat.

We feel a sense of us and our needs not being taken care of. So this thing, this mental health problem that arises, is a way for us not to suffer, although that’s the result we are suffering.

But it’s a way for us to look, to look within and to understand what is going on here. There’s something going on that’s causing me pain. Like I mentioned earlier, most of you who will be listening to this will be adults.

So it’s understanding that we’re not kids anymore, and that it is our role to cater and look after our own needs. I’ll keep pressing on that idea, so it becomes clear because it’s a belief that other people should do it that comes in and it’s hidden, and it’s underneath the carpet that actually drives our behavior and drives our frustration and drives our understanding and hides that awareness that we can have about ourselves and about those around us.

I hope to see actually, it’s something that I can do to fulfill my own needs that I have control over my own destiny, about. I feel about myself, about other people and about my needs that I need to fulfill and look after now that you’re not a kid anymore.

We’re not kids, and sometimes we get stuck in that kid mode and we grow up, but we still act as kids. And then we wonder why things aren’t fully working out for us. The idea that I want you to take is that we need to be responsible. We need to take ownership instead of being a passive victim. Oh, this is my needs, and this is the world, and that is all happening to me.

And there’s nothing that I can do, and I feel helpless and powerless. It’s actually saying, no, I am responsible.

There’s a way for me to meet my own needs. And if I can’t fully meet my own needs, there’s a way for me that I understand them, and I can communicate to that to other people in that sense of taking responsibility and becoming our duty to do it.

We see that we’re no longer self entitled and we’re not the Kings that other people need to roam around us.

All these things are stemming from the ego. But look at me how great it goes back into importance, but it goes into other people serving our needs, and other people need to know. We don’t explicitly say those things, but we can really fall into that and be blinded and blindsided and actually not see what is going on because we’re being driven by our needs.

Understanding our need is about respecting ourselves. It’s about valuing ourselves. It’s about valuing. What is driving us. That is the side effect, actually, by looking and catering ourselves and looking after our needs, we’re valuing ourselves. That’s the message that we’re communicating to ourselves.

I value myself, and I value my needs. I’m no longer a victim, and it’s not the outside things that are happening to me. Actually, I have a choice. I have options. I have things that I can do to contribute to my wellbeing, when we play a victim, we kind of offload that responsibility to other people to look after us.

So we put ourselves in that sense of being a kid. What we do, that we make a choice. Maybe it’s not a deliberate choice. Maybe it’s an unconscious choice, but it is a choice.

Nevertheless, that we say I’m a kid. I don’t know what to do. You need to look after me. You need to know what my needs are. So flip all that around and remember to take responsibility as it is your own duty to look after your needs.

And if it is the case that you’re actually dealing with someone who is perhaps a fair behaving that way and you feel like you don’t and you feeling that you need to be the parent to them. It’s a chance for you to understand and also challenge the dynamic in the relationship.

It’s a chance for you to teach them and help them understand that. Look, you got to look after your own needs and that’s part of helping others instead of just helping them, but always looking after their needs and making sure, yes, they’re vulnerable.

They can’t really look after themselves. They don’t really know how to I need to do this for them. Instead of doing that again, it goes back into what we said about what we do with kids. We want to teach them that sense of ownership and independence.

One way is for us to do it for ourselves and to show that to other people, but also to communicate, to push back in different needs that somebody else might have in order to say, hey, there’s something that you can do about this.

You can take ownership. You can take responsibility about this, and you can be the master of your own needs. You can be the master of your own destiny. One more thing that I really want you to consider is that when we’re building that awareness, we’re becoming more and more Proactive.

So if there’s something that we actually need from somebody else because we haven’t built that awareness, we can ask somebody else. We can be more Proactive, and we can ask someone to be more nurturing and to give us something that we perhaps want or need.

Having that expectation that we’re going to get it is the trap that you need to be aware of. The fact is to communicate what you want, whether you get it or not. That’s a different aspect. That’s a different element.

If we do need help, it’s a great thing to ask for help, but we can’t expect that the help will be necessarily fulfilled. One more thing to remember is that sometimes we tend to do things for other people that will fulfill their needs. It’s that notion that I will drop your back so you can wrap mine. But I will never tell you that I’m doing this because I’m expecting something for you.

Remember that the trap that comes here is that sense of controlling another person? Is that sense of manipulation in order for you to get what you want, you do something for the other person in order to create perhaps obligation or that they should be doing it. The action can be the same. T

he action can be very often, actually irrelevant. It’s the intention behind it that we want to have a look at is the intention behind. Why are we doing what’s our intention behind the behavior? What kind of need are we trying to fulfill? Am I doing this because I generally want to give to the other person.

Am I doing this because I want something from them because they need to do something for me, because when those narratives, they go unspoken, they go underneath our awareness and the results will be expected to happen.

As a result, we get what we talked about needs when they’re not being met, we get angry, we get frustrated. We get anxious because we have this hidden assumption that I expect you to do this for me, and you need to be doing this for me because I did that for you.

You need to be looking after my needs. The belief, the basis of that belief comes back into other people need to look after me. Other people need to look after my needs, so be aware of that because it just creeps up straight right under your skin.

And a lot of times it just goes over the radar. We can’t really see we can’t sense it. But what we get is the result of discomfort is the result of anxiety, frustration, anger, resentment. And these are signs.

So your emotions will also sign post back. And the question to answer is what caused that? What did I believe about the situation that’s making me to feel resentful, angry, anxious? What have I been doing? What’s my part in this? It’s really important to understand what’s my part because now that we’re talking about needs, we’re also talking about dynamics with other people.

Part of this episode is about understanding our own thoughts and our own personal needs and then understanding the different twists that come when we’re interacting with other people in relationship to our needs and our behavior, and how that feeds one into the other, the two vessels that communicate with each other. And that’s an important understanding to grasp that and actually say, okay, so I need to take ownership.

So I need to understand. I need to communicate more clearly. I need to be more aware of the things that I’m doing, all the things that other people are doing, the things I’m expecting of other people, the things other people are expecting of me.

So it becomes about opening up her eyes and understanding our world so that’s something that will come up really like, well, if that’s the case, then if I’m just only supposed to look after my needs, then I’ll never look after anybody else’s needs because it should be adults. There’s a middle ground to that. Remember all the ideas they need to be balanced.

A lot of times we are fulfilling our needs. We’re fulfilling somebody else’s needs. A lot of times when we contribute and we give to somebody else, we’re actually feeding back sometimes, not because of that expectation, though.

That’s the trap. It’s the expectation it’s about. Yes, I can give to other people because I’ve looked after my needs and the love reciprocation will come into play. But I’m not doing it because I’m expecting something.

I can see that I have been in the past. Now I’m doing it out of choice. And the other complication that comes in is one has to do with other people.

We said we have the need for love and connection and sexual and reproduction, and we talked about these things. Well, you’re going to say this has to do with somebody else.

Yes, they do have to do with somebody else, having the ability to connect with other people around us, to share the love, to receive it, to give it that attention. But it still starts with us before most it starts with us.

Do I feel connected to myself? Am I loving myself, or am I being critical to myself? Am I creating that enough space for me? Am I giving myself that love, that space that I need? If I am great, is someone else trying to Rob me of that? Okay. I can protect that. Can I give this to somebody else now that I have it from within me? Absolutely.

If I give this to another person, if I give this love, this affection, this care to somebody else, how are they likely to react? How are they going to act towards me? Are they going to give me the same? Most probably they’ll give me the same.

Lastly, I’d like to give you a recipe about feeling fulfilled in life when it has to do with your own needs. In the next episode, we’re going to go through the needs one last time and we’re going to find which needs are really important and crucial to you.

What’s crucial for me is not as crucial to you. Yes, we have the basis. Yes, we have the things that we need, but the certain things that they rank higher for you. But despite that, a recipe to really feel fulfilled when it comes to our own needs and those of others. It starts with the three I would say need.

One will be on focusing on love, not caring for others, mostly on giving love, giving love again, starting from ourselves to truly feel it and give it to the world and the people around us that we meet. When we feel in that space of love, we feel secure, we feel more grounded, we feel more nurturing.

There are a lot of good things that come out of that state. The second thing that we can pay attention that really links to love also is contributing, contributing to other people.

Contributing to a higher purpose is taking that love and sharing it and spreading it and giving it away. And in that sense, we contribute to the world and the world contributes back to us. And because we have this higher purpose, this higher meaning there’s something that is greater than a small little ego because a lot of this needs to link to the ego.

A lot of the problems that I mentioned the link to the ego when we move and we transcend past ourselves and we look into helping other people into contributing into their lives, into making their lives better. Not in the sense that we become a dormant, but we become someone who contributes. Then we get a lot more fulfilling. And lastly, to feel fulfilled to our needs is the learning and growth.

I really believe you hear me on every episode talking about growth, growth, growth, growth and learning. They kind of link together when we grow. When we fulfill our need to grow and to learn and to be learners and students of life, then we always have that curiosity. We always have that openness.

So when we link those three, the love contribution, learning and growing, we put them together. You can see how it actually creates a fulfilling life. It creates a life of purpose, of meaning.

It creates a life that we can say, okay, things are changing. There’s a purpose and a general meaning over these things. So my needs are being looked after because I have been looking after my own needs.

Now, in conclusion, I want you to think about these things. I want you to think about your own needs that we mentioned before and actually understand on a day to day basis as you’re going through your day.

Understand, am I fulfilling myself right now? What kind of need am I trying to fulfill by behaving this way?

What kind of need am I fulfilling by not behaving this way? What is it that I truly need?

Why did somebody else acted the way that it did? What was I expecting as a return when it comes to my needs on this other person, when I did this for them or to them? Do I want something? What I want you to take from this episode? The one thing is what I said at the beginning. It’s a duty and responsibility to look and take care of ourselves and our needs.

It’s a duty of responsibility to look after those who are in truly need, like our children or people they need around us or older people. The main thing, though, to remember, is we need to stop putting ourselves first with dignity instead of putting ourselves last and saying we’re dormant. Look at me. I’m selfless. These are ways of trying to find importance.

These are ways that we link to the ego, but the intention behind it usually tends to be muddled up. Usually it’s not truly based on the selflessness and the righteousness that we like to take pride in what happens. Instead, it’s rooted into manipulating into controlling other people, into having other people do things for us or us doing things for them.

And that also links into the need to be loved, to be cared to be accepted, to be embraced when we start with ourselves. And we already do this as our homework, as a duty on a day to day basis.

When we’re able to love ourselves on a day to day basis and look after our needs, you see the different needs. But when we start from that space, of course, we are going to have a better life.

Of course, our mental wellbeing is going to be on a different level. And of course, we’ll understand those Osmo. We have more awareness. Of course, we can be more of an example to other people to do the same.

And then what are we doing? We’re criticing a society of selfaccountable people, responsible people who take ownership where they are and the things that they’re doing. These things are super important for everybody. And when it comes to other people, it’s about helping them to understand that they can do the same.

Again, we’re not going to go in force and barging in and tell them this is what you need to do, because again, we’re going to go through a place of controlling, but it is a duty to show it is a duty to stand up, to be assertive, because then again, we’re looking after our needs, and we’re teaching other people that they need to do the same.

When you learn to do these things for yourself, of course, you’re being an example for others to follow.

But it is within our capacity for us to look after our own needs. And when we do that, we have a better well being.

That when we do that, we’re feeling well within ourselves instead of suffering and not being able to understand, why am I suffering? What is going on? This is why we suffer. We neglect ourselves and our needs.

We misuse the mind on this basis. All the things that we kind of go through as part of our suffering has to do with that. When we create that openness and awareness to see to understand ourselves, it doesn’t mean we always get it perfect. It doesn’t mean that I get it perfect.

It doesn’t mean that I understand always what it is that I need and I don’t need. This is about creating awareness.

This is about creating clarity and looking within ourselves to understand ourselves and also understand other people. It’s about creating that abundance, that abundance in us that look at me not because I am so great, but I can look after my needs. And through that abundance I can give to the world I can give to you.

I can give to my children because I’ve taken enough time to look after myself to learn to meet after your own needs. And then, yes, you can also learn to meet the needs of others in the name of service and selflessness with the right intention, coming from the right place, but always making sure that we’re doing it as adults.

We’re doing it assertively. We’re doing it to the degree that we want to be giving, not because we’re being manipulated or we’re after acceptance and security and safety or money or whatever significance, whatever that is, it’s that I’m coming from that place that I feel so secure, certain, safe within my own self, because I look after myself and my needs.

Let me help you do the same so you can do the same to other people. Let all that syncing with you. Let all that resonate and look within yourself. What kind of insights you’ve got out of this episode? Spend five minutes after this episode and just think about the things that you had and think about.

What can you start doing differently from today onwards? Now that you know these things, what can you do differently?

I know this has been a longer episode than usual, but I have been waiting for three whole episodes to get into that, to get into all the details and to get into all these juicy bits, because this is the thing that makes the difference.

Not all the information about the different needs. These are good. These are signposts the Lamp poster guidelines, but now that you have this knowledge, it’s about reflecting deeper within yourself.

It’s about understanding yourself and every single day when things are happening. When you see things in the news and your family and your friends, it’s about understanding, having a deeper understanding and deeper curiosity and knowing that as human beings, we have needs.

We need to look after those needs so we can have a good well being, a good inner self, a safe, happy and content environment that we can be because this is your world and your world creates your reality through your perception and your experiences. Just so you know, I have opened up and set up a link so you can be able to support this podcast and give a donation.

So if you go to my website, www.insidetressers.com and then at the top right, you’ll find a link called Donate and from there you can either donate an amount once or you can actually donate monthly.

I have some preset once and I also have an option where you can put whatever you want and then it will take you to the next page and you kind of like set up the quantity and that will mean how much you’re actually willing to give. So it’s one time. Whatever quantity you give.

Supporting me with the podcast is going to be great because it means I can get to produce a lot more of the content I have been doing.

I appreciate your support. I appreciate you giving your time, and I really enjoy giving this. It’s just a way of you supporting me to keep doing what I love to be doing, and I hope that it’s meaningful to you.

I’m here to help you heal, change and grow. If there’s something that resonates with you, something you need. Help help helps with fulfilling your own needs.

Give me a shout or reach out to me on Instagram @InsideTreasures.

If you found any of those messages useful to you and insightful, share them with your friends. Share them with your loved ones. Allow the messages to spread and the wisdom to spread to those around you because you never know how it will impact them.

Thank you for tuning in to another episode from Inside Treasures my name is Phoebus and until next time, my friends. Let Peace guide your life. Let love guide your heart and reason guide your thoughts.

Photograph by Nathan Dumlao

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